For richer or for poorer: tales of financial infidelity
You have heard of sexual infidelity, but have you ever heard of financial infidelity? Many adults in a committed relationship pride themselves on the fact that they have avoided adultery, but can these same individuals claim they have always been financially faithful? Financial infidelity is a lie (deliberate or by omission) you tell your partner about money. Have you ever lied about the cost of a purchase? Revealed the price without including the tax? Insinuated the item was on sale? How about lying about your net income or credit card debt? Have you ever insisted that those shoes have been in the back of your closet for years when really you bought them last week? If so, you have committed financial infidelity.
These are the smaller lies we tell our partners; however, financial infidelity comes in many different forms and various levels of gravity. The deception is even more serious and hurtful when a partner completely disregards your vested interest. For example, one of you invests a substantial sum of money without discussing it beforehand with the other. Have you ever invested money behind your partner’s back because you thought they would not allow it otherwise? Have you ever convinced yourself that it is better to ask for forgiveness than for permission? If so, you have committed financial infidelity.
Beware of financial infidelity, be honest with your partner about finances.
Sometimes the lies are born from honourable intentions. Perhaps one partner is significantly more financially responsible and wants to protect the family from the other’s irresponsible spending habits. I know a man who squirreled away a percentage of his pay each month into a secret account in hopes of saving for the future. He knew that if his wife discovered the account, the money would be spent frivolously on clothes and unnecessary spa treatments. Years later, they successfully repaid collectors with his secret stash.
Infidelity, sexual or financial, has the potential to obliterate a partnership. Either way, the trust is lost, whether it is the secret bank account, the bags of unpaid bills stashed in the attic, or the affair you had last year. Like most bad habits, deception is a sliding scale. Once you are comfortable lying about the smaller matters, the bigger ones are easier to handle and the tendency becomes more natural. Once the lie is uncovered, the wronged partner starts to question every statement you make or story you tell. It becomes difficult for a relationship to recover from such betrayal.
Infidelity, sexual or financial, has the potential to obliterate a partnership.
In a relationship where finances are shared and you depend on one another to pay the bills, feed the family, and save for the future, it is important to be honest about your financial past, your current spending habits and your long-term goals. Decide in advance what works for you both. Do you prefer to share a bank account, keep finances completely separate or meet somewhere in the middle? Nowadays, many couples choose to maintain three different bank accounts: one separate account for each person and one that is shared for bills, rent, mortgage, groceries and other expenses. This arrangement allows for each individual to spend the money from their own account without guilt or questioning, while still contributing to the healthy financial functioning of the couple.
Different formulas suit different couples. It is important to find one that works for you. Discuss common goals, develop a joint budget, and work together to reach these objectives. The wonderful thing about being in a relationship is that it teaches you to compromise, to consider others and helps curb unhealthy habits. With this in mind, embrace the opportunity to become more financially accountable this year – even consider it as a New Year’s resolution.
