This week, U.S. Ambassador to Canada Pete Hoekstra expressed that he’s “disappointed” in Canadians. Disappointed. Like a dad who just found out his kid joined a hockey team instead of football. Or worse—joined a curling team.
The comment came during a public appearance where, notably, Hoekstra sported a bandage on his face. Sources say it wasn’t a diplomatic incident, but rather the result of a spirited scrap with a Canada goose at the American embassy residence in Rockcliffe. Apparently, the goose took issue with the Ambassador’s limo and left a little “gift” on the hood. Hoekstra confronted the bird, and well . . . let’s just say the goose won.
Now, before we all start apologizing for existing (as is tradition), let’s consider what might be behind the Ambassador’s sudden bout of northern disappointment. Could it be cognitive dissonance? Or maybe he’s been sipping a bit too much Alberta Premium Cask Strength Rye—which, by the way, is excellent for your constitution in the Great White North. It warms the soul, clears the sinuses, and helps you forget that your neighbour just called you a socialist for owning a compost bin.
Speaking of constitutions, we’ve got one up here. It’s called the Constitution Act of 1982. And nowhere—nowhere—in that document does it say Canada is the 51st state. Not in the footnotes. Not in invisible ink. So when President Trump repeatedly demands Canada join the Union—at the Super Bowl, the NATO Summit, and in that unforgettable Time magazine interview where he called poutine “a threat to American values”—we politely decline with maple-scented dignity. He can keep his freedom fries—we’re fine with the smoked meat poutine carbs.
Now, I actually quite like Ambassador Hoekstra. He’s thoughtful, candid, and friendly—highly intelligent, and clearly has the ear of the President. But since he seems genuinely surprised and a little perplexed by how Canadians react when they feel pushed around, he might want to phone his fellow American and Ottawa neighbour, Senators captain Brady Tkachuk.
Brady—along with his brother, who brings just the right dose of hockey-style intimidation—could offer a crash course in how Canadians respond when the Yanks drop their gloves and try to muscle their way through. Tkachuk, no doubt, still wakes up in cold sweats recalling the final game of the recent Canada-USA hockey series. This was after the Americans opened Game 2 by starting a dirty fight with cheap shots and low hits as soon as the puck dropped.
Big mistake.
Because our boys love a good scrap—and they love winning even more. Not Charlie Sheen-style winning. Real winning. And it only took Captain Canada, Connor McDavid, to respond the way only a Canadian superstar can: by shoving it right back up the Stars and Stripes and skating off with the trophy.
To be fair to our American cousins, it was a goal and a lesson for the ages—so savage it made the Statue of Liberty blink and crap her pants in one graceful motion. The takeaway? If you want to play dirty, expect Canada to lace up, lean in, and politely shove it up your diplomatic backside—with a smile and a Timbit.
Let’s be clear: Ambassador Hoekstra is a genuinely decent man—well-spoken and generally well-liked by Canadians, as he should be. And President Trump—whether you cheer him or curse him—is undeniably a monumental change President. He likes Canada so much, he apparently wants to annex it. That’s cute. But as we all know, that’s never going to happen.
Still, there’s no denying that Trump’s repeated flirtations with Canadian sovereignty have had some unintended upsides. His boldness—some might say besmirchment—has triggered ripple effects that forced Canada’s Liberal government and Canadians themselves to take greater ownership of their future. In many ways, it nudged us to stand on our own two snow-covered feet and, frankly, get off the American teat.
And you know what? That’s not a bad thing. It’s called sovereignty. And up here, we’re quite fond of it.
So yes, Ambassador Hoekstra may be disappointed. But we’re disappointed in you, too. Disappointed that a country we share steel, aluminum, lumber, copper, autos, and auto parts with—tariff-free, mind you—keeps trying to annex us like we’re a Costco in Buffalo.
To our American friends: we love you. We really do. But we’re not your backyard. We’re your neighbour. And we shovel our own snow.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a Constitution to reread, a hockey game to win, and a bottle of Alberta Premium to finish. Elbows up. Eh!
P.S. Sorry about the Canada Goose thing. They can be a little . . . temperamental.
Photo: @USAmbCanada
