As I’m writing this article, it’s Family Day in Ontario. Happy belated Family Day! I hope you all had a great one and spent time with your families.
Recently, I’ve been busy. Things are changing seeming rapidly for me. Change is good but also scary and overwhelming at times. I won’t go into full details yet, but I want to touch on my goal.
I’m trying to become my true self.
The million-dollar question here is, who is my true self? That’s a tricky question.
I’ll try to explain to give you a better sense of who I am.
I lived fast and hard in my 20s, 30s, and even my early 40s. Much of my time was spent in bars and nightclubs, surrounding myself with people I thought were fun. I drank and indulged in certain activities that many people would consider wrong.
I’m not saying I want to do it again now that I’m older. I am saying that I’d like to enjoy my life, be open and carefree, and, most of all, experience things that I always wanted to do.
I had freedom or some sort of freedom. I could go out when I wanted. I could do that if I wanted to go out at 8 p.m. or 9 p.m. and stay out until 4 or 5 a.m. If I wanted to invite someone over after closing time, I could. Nobody cared as long as I could come home at some point. It was fun.
Again, I’m not saying that I want to do that now. I want and need to have more control over my life.
If I want to go out after 3 p.m., I have to arrange for one of my private caregivers to come in. If I want to have company and feel as safe as possible, I must arrange to have one of my private caregivers come in.
On top of that, I have to know at least 73 hours in advance that I want to go out or have company over.
That’s no way to live. That’s not me.
So, right now, I’ve begun improving my situation. It’s a long process, but I know I can do it. I deserve to have my own life and to be in control of it.
Another thing I’m doing is overhauling my living space.
For several years now, my living space has been in disarray. My walls were covered with superheroes, autographs and pictures of pro wrestlers, both past and present.
They’re cool. I’ve been fortunate to have met a lot of wrestlers and celebrities over the years. I often get compliments on them from people who come into my home.
That’s great. That’s not me, though, at least not anymore.
Right now, the walls in my living room are almost bare. I’m starting over and possibly even repainting.
My living room walls were too cluttered and no longer brought me joy.
With help from one of my private caregivers, I’ve been decluttering and trying to incorporate more zen elements into my home.
I want my place to be both welcoming and calming. A place that is a reflection of me and not a reflection of my possessions.
Doing this is also a process, though.
Patience isn’t always my strong suit, but I try to be. Things take time, especially if I want it to be just right.
Using the two examples above, my true self is someone who needs to be in control but has freedom.
I also need to be at peace and do my best to quiet the chaos in my life and the noise in my head. No, I don’t hear voices. My mind can be all over the place while trying to be present.
At birth, my parents were told that I’d only survive a year.
I’m 49 years old, and March 16th will mark 30 years of living in my own place.
That’s a significant milestone.
It’s about damn time I get to be the person I was always meant to be and live in a home that reflects me.
Part of that includes getting rid of the clutter and focusing on myself and the things and people that bring me joy.
For example, advocating for people with disabilities no longer brings me joy. Too much drama, and very little ends up getting done.
I’ll continue to advocate for myself and wheelchair accessibility when it comes to me, but that’s about it.
Life’s too short for drama, games, and bs.
Do things that make you happy. Surround yourself with people who value you, your time and energy.
You deserve it.
Until next week, stay safe, and keep rolling.
