We talk endlessly about men today — masculinity, “toxic masculinity,” polarization, incels, resentment, the rise of the “manosphere.” But beneath the culture‑war noise lies a quieter, more human truth:
A lot of men are lonely.
Not the casual kind. The deep, identity‑shifting kind that corrodes health, relationships, and purpose. The kind that turns inward as depression or outward as anger.
Across three recent conversations on my show — two with psychiatrist and author Dr. Thomas Verny, and one with Peter Copeland of the Macdonald‑Laurier Institute — the same theme kept surfacing:
When men lose connection, they lose their footing.
And when enough men lose their footing, society feels the tremors.
Dr. Verny drew a crucial distinction: solitude is healthy when chosen; loneliness is harmful when imposed.
Isolation changes behaviour. People move less, sleep less, smoke and drink more, and often stop caring for themselves. Even diet deteriorates — fewer home‑cooked meals, less nutritional variety, poorer gut health.
This isn’t just emotional decline. It’s a physiological risk.
And COVID made it worse. Young people, in particular, lost not just school but the social scaffolding that school provides.
Economic pressures matter — especially for young men without post‑secondary education or specialized skills. But the deeper crisis is existential.
Men who feel “not needed” or “not valued,” as Verny put it, are far more vulnerable to depression, suicidal thinking, anger, and violence. When people feel they don’t matter, they go searching for someone who will tell them they do.
That’s where online subcultures step in. Some offer community. Others offer grievance. Many offer a villain.
Increasingly, that villain is women.
As Verny noted, the impulse is deeply human:
“The need to blame someone is very human… the knee‑jerk reaction is to blame someone — not me.”
Peter Copeland approached the issue from a political angle. His argument: young men are turning conservative partly because masculinity itself is treated with suspicion in today’s cultural climate. Voting becomes, in his words, “an act of defiance.”
Whether one agrees or not, the emotional pattern is clear: men feel unwelcome, and they’re reacting.
Copeland also challenged the modern ideal of radical autonomy — the belief that maximizing personal choice leads to happiness. In practice, he argued, it often leads to isolation and anxiety.
Some societies with stronger community ties and religiosity score higher on measures of “flourishing” than wealthy Western nations. Money and modernity do not guarantee belonging.
One of the most striking moments in my conversation with Dr. Verny came when we discussed dating apps.These platforms aren’t built for connection. They’re built for ranking. A small share of men receive most of the attention, and a small share of women receive most of the attention — leaving many feeling invisible. Verny didn’t mince words: “That’s a real disaster. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
He also noted the culture of misrepresentation and the simple truth that you cannot truly know someone through text alone. His advice cut through the digital noise: “Join interest groups… volunteer… meet people in person.” In a screen‑based society, that’s almost revolutionary.
Across these conversations, four realities emerged:
• Loneliness shortens lives.
• Young men are struggling with identity and purpose.
• Technology connects us but doesn’t bond us.
• Politics is absorbing emotional pain once held by community and family.
If we ignore loneliness, we’ll keep fighting about the symptoms: anger, polarization, resentment, incel culture, violence, withdrawal.
We need a broader response.
Clubs, sports leagues, faith communities, service organizations, volunteer networks — these “third places” are not luxuries. They are civic necessities.
Work has meaning. Skills are dignity. Trades, apprenticeships, and clear pathways into stable employment are not just economic policy — they’re anti‑despair policy.
Men need emotional literacy and connection. But they also need permission to be men without being treated as a threat by default. The goal is balance: strong and kind; resilient and relational; capable and compassionate. Dr. Verny captured the heart of it: “Living is more than acquiring financial gains… status or power. Purpose means helping others, becoming a better person, continuing to grow.”
That’s the antidote to loneliness: meaningful connection, contribution, and belonging.
Loneliness isn’t just a private struggle. It’s a social signal — telling us something fundamental is missing. If we rebuild connection, much of the anger and confusion in our culture will begin to settle.
Photo: iStock
